It was inevitable I guess. After so many trial and errors with medication, it was no longer possible to avoid the elephant in the room. I was not responding to medication and this was the next logical treatment option. But just the thought of it makes me want to barf.
The topic had come up a few times with my doc but he always hesitated citing how important he felt my “clear mindedness” meant to me. He was worried that losing my short term memory, one of the side effects of ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), would be distressing and cause me even more anxiety that I was already trying to cope with. But with each medication we tried, my hopes were quickly dashed due to my lack of response. Even though the thought of going through ECT scares the hell out me, the thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life scares me even more.
So I was referred to the ECT doc and got the go ahead. I’m a perfect candidate and the chances of improvement for me are about seventy percent. The usual course of treatment is twice weekly for six weeks and it’s done as an outpatient in a hospital about a half hour away from me. The only problem with that is it’s the same hospital where I work…well…worked I guess, since I’ve been off for about two and half years… and I know a few too many people there. My only hope it that since it is done so early in the morning and in an area of the hospital where I rarely went, I won’t run into anyone I know. Although I know the only way to change the stigma associated with mental health is to be open about it, this is not something I want very many people to know about. Hell, I don’t even want to think about it myself.
The anticipation of finding out what it will be like and how I will react is killing me. I’m set to start sometime in mid January and my ambivalence is extreme. I know this treatment has come a long way and it’s rate of success is high, it still has me shaking in my boots. But I know something has to be done to get me out of this space I’m in so I’m willing to give it a go. Hell…at least I get out of cooking twice a week.
Wish me luck.
Digging Myself Out 
Reblogged this on Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis.
The strength is inside u:) best of luck.
Thank you.
I understand your worry and share your pain. Although I have never had ECT, I know it has vastly improved and helped many people. I hope it helps you, and you are soon on a good path. Having spent some time behind locked doors without shoelaces in my shoes, if ECT could have helped me never feel that way again, I’d be scared but wouldn’t hesitate. Good luck.
Thank you for kind words.